🧠 When You Don’t Notice Your Needs Until They Scream 

Published by Honor Your Humanity 

TL;DR: 

Some of us don’t realize we’re hungry until we’re shaking. Or we don’t know we’re overwhelmed until we snap. If you’ve ever felt confused about your own needs, or found yourself stuck when someone asked “Why didn’t you say something?" this is for you. Especially if you’re neurodivergent. Especially if you’re still learning how to listen to yourself. 

You’re Not Broken. You’re Just Not Wired Like Everyone Else. 

Let’s start with this truth: Not everyone’s body talks the same way. And not everyone is taught to listen. 

Some of us, especially women and especially neurodivergent folks, grow up learning to care about everyone else’s needs first. Be polite. Don’t make a fuss. Be easy to be around. 

At the same time, we might also struggle with something called interoception, the sense that helps us feel what’s going on inside our own body. Hunger. Thirst. Full bladder. Rising panic. Emotional exhaustion. 

If you grew up ignoring these signals (or never learned to recognize them), it can feel like your needs only show up when they’re in full crisis mode. By then, it’s too late for a simple fix. 

Interoception, Explained Simply 

Imagine your body is a house. Interoception is like the system of sensors inside that tell you what’s happening in each room. 

If you’re neurotypical, you might hear: 

🚿 “The bathroom says it’s time to pee.” 

🥪 “The kitchen says we’re hungry.” 

🛋 “The living room says we need to lie down for a minute.” 

But if your interoception is unreliable or underdeveloped, it’s like… the alarms are too quiet. Or they all go off at once, and you can’t tell what’s what. 

Instead of tuning in early, you might suddenly realize: 

• You haven’t eaten all day and now you’re nauseous. 

• You’re exhausted and overstimulated but agreed to “just one more thing.” 

• You snapped at someone even though five minutes ago, you thought you were fine. 

You’re not lazy. You’re not dramatic. You’re not bad at “self-care.” 

You’re just living in a house with glitchy wiring and faulty alarms. 

Why This Hits So Hard for Divergent Women 

If you’re neurodivergent and socialized as a woman, there’s a double whammy. 

You were likely taught to: 

• Be low-maintenance. 

• Not ask for “too much.” 

• Smile when you’re uncomfortable. 

• Prioritize others over yourself. 

And if your body doesn’t reliably tell you what it needs, how could you possibly be expected to ask for help? 

It’s not that you’re bad at advocating for yourself. 

It’s that you didn’t even know what to advocate for. 

When People Say “Why Didn’t You Say Something?” 

It stings. 

Because the answer might be: 

“I didn’t even know what I needed.” 

Or 

“I’ve never been taught how to check in with myself.” 

That’s not weakness. That’s honesty. 

You can’t express what you can’t detect. And you can’t prioritize what you were trained to ignore. 

What Helps (When You’re Ready to Start Listening) 

This isn’t a to-do list. It’s a gentle menu of what might help over time: 

🧠 Learn what needs exist. 

Look at needs inventories (like from Nonviolent Communication) and just get familiar with the words. Safety. Rest. Predictability. Connection. Play. Belonging. Even fun is a need. 

🔁 Use external reminders. 

Set a timer that pops up with: 

“What do I feel in my body?” 

“Am I thirsty?” 

“Am I about to snap?” 

📊 Track patterns. 

After meltdowns, shutdowns, or outbursts, gently review: 

Was I overstimulated? Did I skip a meal? Am I trying to do too much? 

⚪ Practice micro-asks. 

Start with small, safe requests: 

“Can we turn the lights down?” 

“Would you mind bringing me some water?” 

💬 Practice new scripts. 

Try saying: 

“I’m still learning how to notice when I need help.” 

“I didn’t recognize what I needed until it was too late.” 

🖍️ Visual Tools that Help You Feel Your Needs

Sometimes, the most powerful way to recognize a need is through a picture that feels true. I love the hand-drawn mental health graphics by Lindsay Braman, a trauma-informed artist and therapist who brings emotional concepts to life with warmth and clarity. Her visuals on burnout, co-regulation, the window of tolerance, and overwhelm are especially helpful when your inner cues feel fuzzy or far away.

➡️ You can explore her work at www.lindsaybraman.com or follow her on Instagram at @lindsaybraman.

She doesn’t just explain emotions—she illustrates the needs behind them in a way that makes it easier to connect the dots for yourself.

You Deserve to Hear Yourself 

Your needs matter even if you don’t always notice them. 

You deserve care even if you missed the first few signals. 

You are not too much, or too needy, or too late. 

You are human. And you are learning how to honor your humanity, one cue at a time. 

🤍 Heather

Updated: 8-3-25